In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression: "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
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Also, bet you didn't know this!!!! In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were
made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make
"Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that
the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a Brass Monkey". (And all this
time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late...But please don’t shove me either!
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Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.
The second boy says, That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.
The third boy says, I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.
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A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. " Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
Tell him, "she whispers" there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or papertowels in the women's bathroom…"
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Published in U S Legacies Magazine April 2005
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